Regret and Giving Up. Desire Ruined My Life

I'm 28.

I have many regrets, mistakes, and failures in my life.

I used to be very angry, sad, miserable, depressed, frustrated, provoked, and confused for my entire life before this year.

After many years of endless suffering, I gave up.

I gave up on being angry and frustrated all the time.

Desire ruined my life.

I wanted many things.

I wanted to leave New Jersey and have a new life somewhere else.

I wanted to give my mother and myself a better life in Atlanta.

But everything became much worse in Atlanta.

I became severely mentally ill because of childhood and adolescent trauma, early adult trauma, and abuse.

My mother's health became worse. She collapsed multiple times at home.

I wanted to make a lot of money and take care of my mother.

I failed.

I wanted to graduate from college at 22 or 23.

I wanted a good job.

I wanted a good car.

I wanted a good relationship, and I could get married sooner rather than later.

I wanted to make it big. I wanted to become rich, famous, and successful.

I wanted to make a lot of money to have an easier and more comfortable life.

I wanted to prove my enemies in New Jersey wrong. After being attacked, rejected, outcasted, bullied, and abused, I made it. I wanted to prove everyone wrong and succeed. I wanted to prove that many people love me and care about me. I am deserving of love and acceptance.

I wanted the idealistic movie ending. After suffering for many years in New Jersey, I get my happy ending and my happy life in Atlanta.

I failed.

Atlanta was the worst thing to happen to my life and my mother's life.

I stopped holding onto my desires.

I let go of my desires.

There are 5 stages of grief.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

Sometimes I went through all 5 stages in 1 day.

I stopped caring and fighting.

I stopped fighting my own mind.

I stopped fighting the things in my life that are out of my control.

I accepted my life for what it is.

I accepted that my life was very hard and terrible for many years.

My life was filled with many regrets, mistakes, failures, tragedies, and difficult circumstances.

I accepted it.

I removed my desires.

I chose to live. Just live.

Eat food I like, drink water, watch a movie or TV show, take a walk outside in the sunlight, enjoy the simple things in life.

I have to choose between my desire or a simple life.

When I was 12 till I was 27, I chose my desire.

This year, at the age of 28, I chose a simple life. A simple life focused on surviving.

All I need to survive in this world is food, water, and air.

Everything is after that.

If my mentality is just to live, then I can't go wrong. But if my mind is clouded with wanting many things, and wanting so many idealistic things and things that are very hard to get, I will always be miserable.

We all want things in life.

But make survival the most important goal.

Living is the most important goal.

Eat food, drink water, and breathe air.

If your main goal is to survive, you can't go wrong. You are fulfilling your purpose as a living thing in the universe.

But when you cloud your mind with all kinds of desire and distractions, you will be delusional and make yourself miserable.

Little kids have all kinds of delusional dreams. They imagine themselves as these rich and famous people. "I want to make it to the NBA. I know it's going to happen. I want to be an astronaut. I want to be President. I want to be a billionaire. I want to be the richest person in the world. I want to win 30 Grammys. I want to win an Oscar. I want to be a big star."

Little kids grow up and truly become mature adults when they stop dreaming. Your dream stops when you wake up and live in reality. I held onto my dream and my desire for many years since I was 12. They ruined my life. Dreams are worthless. Don't follow your dreams. 99% of people do not make it big. 99% of people's huge dreams never become reality. Only very few people succeed in following their dreams.

Don't follow your dreams. Live. Survive.

If you have food, water, and air, that is all you need.