I'm Sorry Mother. I Am Doing Everything I Can to Change Now

My mother gave birth to me at an old age. She gave birth to me when she was 43. My brother is 18 years older than me.

I come from a very religious Christian family. My father was a pastor and he abandoned the family when I was 7. We moved from California to New Jersey when I was 7.

My older brother was psychologically and emotionally abusive. Sometimes physically abusive. When I was 7 till I was 16 he gave me 3 hour in person lectures, 2 hour phone call lectures, 25 paragraph emails, 100 200 266 text messages. He did this many times. He made me feel like I was an evil terrible person. He endlessly told me I'm the problem, I'm violent, I'm a menace to society, I'm the problem in the community, no one else is responsible for doing anything wrong. He wanted me to be like him. He tried to force me to be like him. He took my enemies' side. He took the side of the people who hurt me deeply. He took my bullies' side. He never took my side. He embarrassed me all the time in front of his coworkers, wife, friends, students, and church members. He reminded me of every single mistake I made. December 2010 he reminded me of the mistakes I made in January 2010. He lectured me so many times and talked so much. But he didn’t listen to me. He didn’t listen to when I expressed my pain because of Norwood and New Jersey.

He is manipulative and abusive. So he would say many times, "I love you. You know I love you." But it is all lip service. His actions and abuse prove that he never loved me. He used me as a punching bag to explode on me and to explode all his anger and problems on me.

I had severe depression since I was 12.

I hated New Jersey growing up. The greatest goal of my life was to leave New Jersey. I wanted to be far away from my older brother and other people who hurt me.

I had many friends growing up, but I had many more enemies and bullies.

I was bullied severely growing up from 5th grade to 10th grade. When I was 10 to 16.

I wanted an escape.

I wanted to leave New Jersey and have a new life somewhere else with new people. A new life.

I dropped out of high school when I was 16. February 2014.

I wanted to leave Norwood, New Jersey and I wanted to leave NVOT Northern Valley Old Tappan High School. I was willing to do anything to leave those terrible people and places. I was willing to take the shame of being a high school dropout.

The greatest goal for me when I was growing up was to leave New Jersey. I wanted to live in New York, LA, Chicago, Philadelphia, Atlanta, San Francisco. The main point is I wanted to leave New Jersey. I thought if I left New Jersey I would be far away from the people of Norwood. I thought if I left New Jersey I could have a new life in a new place and be happy.

I was planning to commit suicide whne I was 16 in 2014 if I still lived in Norwood. I hated being trapped there. I wanted to leave the people and the place that hurt me deeply and made me feel alone and worthless. Thankfully in November 2014 my mother and I moved to Englewood, New Jersey. Englewood saved my life. I lived in Englewood November 2014 to Januay 2016.

January 2015 I took the GED test. February 2015 at the age of 17 I got my GED.

January 2015 I first attended Bergen Community College in Paramus, New Jersey. I took my first class there. It was a computer illustration class at night.

In 2015 at the age of 17 I took 33 credits and had a 3.91 GPA.

My mother and I left New Jersey when I was 18. We moved to the metro Atlanta area in February 2016.

My goal was for me to give my mother and myself a better life. My greatest goal at that point in my life was to become rich, famous, and successful, make a lot of money to buy my mother a house and give her a nice, comfortable life. Give her a pleasant relaxing life after all she has been through.

We lived in Atlanta 2016 to 2020.

I had severe obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety, fear, worry, doubt, overthinking 2016 to June 2021. I developed severe OCD 2016 and 2017. My depression got much worse as you can imagine.

I went to a terrible church April 2016 to August 2017 that completely ignored me, embarrassed me, attacked me, made me feel alone and worthless, made fun of my suffering and my problems. Church trauma. They made me more mentally ill and miserable. I had to leave.

Many terrible things and difficult circumstances happened in Atlanta.

I could have died in the past. My mother could have died in the past.

I verbally fought and argued with my mother when I was 12 till I was 16. When I was 17 we fought and argued much less. In Atlanta and after we argued sometimes. But much less than New Jersey. I hurt my mother deeply. I yelled at her. I cursed. I was always miserable. I blamed her many times. I made her cry.

I was wrong for fighting and arguing with my mother.

When I was severely mentally ill, insane, abnormal, I was a burden to my mother. I caused her suffering, agony, pain, sadness, and frustration. But when I was severely mentally ill and insane she did everything she could to help me and try to save my life. She took me to therapists and psychiatrists. She called her church members to help me.

One of my mother's church member an old man Deacon Park. Mr. Park. He was like my nurse. My mother paid him but it wasn't a lot. Mr. Park he took care of me. He took me outside. He took me out of my home. He took me to the shopping mall. He took me to college. He bought me lunch and we ate lunch together. He bought me dinner and we ate dinner together.

Mrs. Moon was a pastor's wife and she was my mother's church friend. Mrs. Moon knew both Mr. Park and Soo Kim personally. Because of Mrs. Moon and Soo Kim, I was able to meet Mr. Park and Soo Kim. My mother, Mrs. Moon, Mr. Park, and Soo Kim saved my life.

It is a miracle my mother is still alive. It is a miracle I am still alive.

I still live with my mother.

I am 28 years old. I am ashamed and embarrassed because of who I am. I regret everything. I regret the mistakes and failures I made. It is a tragedy that it took me this long to try to change. I tried to give my mother a better life but I failed miserably. She forgives me.

I am 28 years old. Now I am finally changing myself and my life for the better. Not making excuses. Saving money. Trying to save enough money to take care of my mother in her old age and buy her a house, hopefully. Only I can change my life. It is not an option. I have to kill my hatred, anger, sorrow, bitterness, and grudges. Hatred, anger, sorrow, bitterness, and grudges are poisons and cancer that kill me and make me suffer, mentally ill, and miserable. It doesn't kill the people who hurt me. It poisons me and everyone who cares about me.

I deserve the criticism and punishment. I was wrong. If you criticize me and condemn me, you are justified.

It is a miracle my mother is still alive and with me. I can prove to her every day and every year now I am finally changing for the better.

I am doing everything I can to change myself and make my mother happy. To make my mother have a happy good life.

If there is a God out there, maybe he allowed me to suffer this much so that I can finally change for the better, realize my regrets and failures and what I've done so that I can change and treat other people better. I don't want to be like my enemies. I don’t want to be like the people who hurt me.