Change July 10, 2026

July 10, 2026 I wrote in my journal. I used a pen to write on the pages. I told myself that July 10, 2026 would be the first day I finally change myself for the better. I will do everything I can to change myself and my life for the better.

I was cancer, poison, and a parasite to my mother. My mother truly is evidence of God for me. My mother is my favorite person and the most important person in my life. I love her more than anyone.

I have only caused her suffering, sorrow, frustration, pain, exhaustion, physical pain, fewer hours of sleep, hopelessness, and anger. She forgives me. She knows it was not my intention. But my intentions are worthless when the actions and results are terrible. I'm sorry, Mother.

2016 to June 2021, and when I lived in Atlanta 2016 to 2020, I suffered from severe obsessive compulsive disorder, fear, worry, doubt, overthinking, paranoia, anxiety, and depression. I could have died in the past. My mother could have died in the past. It is my fault.

Many people hurt me deeply, caused my mental illness, insanity, abnormal behavior, and gave me psychological damage. My enemies caused me severe trauma, attacked, sometimes physically attacked, falsely accused, lied about me, outcasted, rejected, embarassed, bullied, endlessly provoked me and started conflicts with me, made me a target of attack and shame, made me hate myself, and made me think my life was hopeless and life was over. I could have died because of my enemies. What my enemies did to me caused me to become violent, selfish, narcissistic, hostile, vigilant, strategic, paranoid, and protective.

But I am also largely responsible for my suffering and my problems. I ruined my mother's life and my life. I am not a perfect person. Far from it. Perfect people and perfection don't exist in reality.

It is a miracle that my mother is still alive. I am still alive. If you needed some evidence of God my life story might be it.

Now I am doing everything I can to change myself and my life for the better. To give my old mother a happy, good life. I want to have a happy, good life.

If you think the same things as I do. I have severe obsessive compulsive disorder, fear, worry, overthinking, doubt, paranoia, anxiety, and depression. My life is cursed and hopeless. My life is over. It is impossible for me to have a happy, good life.

If any of this applies to you, then you're like me.

What I'm about to say are not miraculous things that will impact everyone's minds. I can't force you to be like me and have my mentality. I'm not going to say mind blowing things. I can't promise miracles. I can't promise unbelievably extraordinary things. I'm not God. I'm not Superman. I'm not your savior.

I also want to be completely honest. Because I tell the truth and how I honestly feel. I don't give lip service.

If you really don't want to live in this world, you can kill yourself. If you really think your life is hopeless, it will never get better, nothing will change, you can kill yourself. That is your choice. No one is forcing you to live.

If you kill yourself or you choose to die. Your life ends here. Your life story ends here. The possibility of change or life getting better is an impossibility. 100% impossible.

I tell myself this frequently.

If you want to see the possibilities of something changing, making progress, and your life getting better, you have to keep living and going. The only way to know if change is possible or if your life can get better is you have to keep living and going.

There is no perfect moment to change. The perfect moment to change yourself and your life is right now.

I am trying to change myself for the better.

If you want to change, you have to do something right now to do it.

Peace.